Holy Week musings

I passed up an offer yesterday (on Passover, ironically) to work for a small church about fifty miles away. I had had a fabulous interview, although I wasn’t psyched up about going to it until I was almost there pulling into the parking lot and I begged God to put the words in my mouth He would have me say because nothing was coming to mind. Once inside and talking with the interview committee, God came through as usual and I was full of life again as my usual effusive self came out when discussing my philosophy of music as ministry. But in the time since that interview, I wasn’t enthused. Then I felt really uneasy after receiving the official offer call yesterday morning and didn’t know quite what “the problem” was going on inside of me. I couldn’t even think to myself, “yay, a paycheque” – I just could not get excited and hoped that my lack of enthusiasm wasn’t apparent on the phone that morning! I just knew I shouldn’t accept the position because I’m that sure God is about to open a full-time door for me, and knowing I would not be able to continue at that position for long, I don’t want anyone disappointed at my hand.

While contemplating whether or not I should call the pastor back, in the meantime an amazing thing happened to me. Because God does stuff like that:

I had already decided to attend Maundy Thursday service at noon yesterday at a small Episcopal Church nearby and with all the whining going on in my head, I was afraid I was going to be late getting there. I pulled onto the parking lawn and those who were arriving immediately came over and welcomed me with huge smiles and warm handshakes. When we went inside, the vicar asked if they should pick hymns that everyone knows since there wasn’t an organist, and I offered to play. Talk about suddenly feeling “special” – apparently they’ve been without an organist for some time and had been hoping for one, then *poof!* in I walk. So I played for the liturgy, and also again today at the Good Friday service. But I jump ahead.

I found myself emotional during worship. When it came time for Eucharist, we all went forward to kneel at the altar and receive communion, and I felt interior turmoil about several things that have been on my heart lately and about seemingly nothing at all. Maybe it was the full moon, I dunno. I felt at home in the “high church” setting even though this charming country chapel was very informal. Yet it had that feel of being in the abbey that I miss terribly. I came out of church feeling great, hymnal under my arm to practice the hymns for the next day’s service, and headed to town hall for the errands I needed to run.

By the time I got home, however, I was agitated more than I was in the morning. I called the pastor back and told him I wasn’t comfortable accepting the position and why. After hanging up, I felt better which tells me it was the right thing to do. One of the things I have been praying for during this fast is for discernment, and when my gut was churning so much over a small, part-time job, it must be important to listen to because I know God must be trying to tell me something.

In the meanwhile, the verse that keeps running through my head is from the parable of the talents where the master commends the faithful servants for being fruitful with the small amounts given to them so that he then entrusted greater things to them.

It seems to me that the reason that Scripture was on my heart so strongly yesterday was because I don’t need to “just take any job” simply because I need a paycheque; I need to keep believing that God is about to open a full time door for a music ministry position that He has prepared especially for me to fill. I took a position last summer merely because it was offered and I thought I needed a paycheque more than I needed a good match for my gifting – and it was a fiasco from the start. I’m still healing from the way I was treated there.

Playing organ for the tiny Episcopal Church and very appreciative group of ladies this week has assured me that volunteering here for awhile is where God would have me wait for His hand to move. I know He will provide for me and my needs and that He knows best what I need and when.

Tomorrow is the final day of my fast and then comes the breaking of the fast with a lamb dinner on Easter Sunday. Even my mother is going with me to the Episcopal Church for Resurrection service. I can’t wait to see what next week brings because God is not only faithful to provide, He’s amazing.

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